Another Quarentimes Chapter by Typhoid Mary

 

She's back with tales from the plague

Acceptance is a very interesting thing.  

I know that, for myself, I like to think that I accept a lot.  A lot of the time.

I accept my own limitations.  I accept that humans are flawed.  

I accept that dieting pretty much always sucks, and that as soon I start, I will always want what I never actually craved before.  

I accept that I can't have all the press on nails, and I accept that I must settle for some.

I accept that many things I believed, are no longer serving me.

This last point, hit home this week...and the acceptance was different than I've felt before.  I felt it in my gut.  It could have been gas from my body adjusting to the keto diet, but I think more that it was a shift in my psyche.

I've been pretty good at taking the reality of this pandemic as it comes.  I disagree with many of the actions the ruling bodies are taking in managing this, but I also understand that we won't be locked into our homes, forever.  But really though...why can't we???

This is absolutely not to say that I've breezed through the apocalypse, so far.  Hell, none of us have.  I've had...three dances with depression in the last 6 months.  I am happy to report that I'm writing this chapter from a healthy place.  I feel very tired (likely the keto), but I feel like the serpent is snoozing comfortably, and she won't be coming out during fall.  I never have fall depression.  It's like the spirits are with me, and keep all the ickies away.

Stating that, I continue to struggle with my body image (100 tiny violins play, and cheese is served for my whine).  I have talked about my 20 lbs of pandemic poundage...and my absolute lack of motivation to exercise - because home is not the gym...but more on that in a minute - and some attempts to calorically manage myself.  The Noom experiment failed; or rather I stopped with it, because my most recent dance with the serpent wore me out.  I just didn't have the energy to do a diet lesson every day.  And now, on the other side of that depressive episode, I no longer have the interest to do a diet lesson every day.  

I have "outgrown"all but four pairs of my numerous leggings, and at least 2 of my sports bras.  I'm not ready to get rid of any of them though.  I know that I can work my way back into the entirety of my wardrobe.  I can do this without use of a public gym, and without fancy equipment.

In yet another tremendously fulfilling discussion with Lizdom; we discussed a number of things to build a strategy around what life is, now.  A way to balance having to conceptualize a home environment as a home/workplace/gym/recreation/escape...

Because how we utilize our primary personal spaces is forever shifted.  We are placing several new expectations on our home environments, thus placing more expectations on ourselves, and that's not a simple process.

As I sat and cried about how I don't have the drive and that I'm afraid of failing to lose this apocalyptic adipose; Lizdom dropped the truth bombs on me.  

1) I have lost weight before.  I can lose weight again.

2) I need a stronger butt.

    i) I can do this at home with bands and bodyweight exercises

3) I need to create new habits

Number three was the one that hit hard.  I've been sitting here, somewhat waiting for things to revert to some sort of familiar routine.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

So, I need to create new habits in my home.  I have a workspace, but no office.  I have a box of bands and gear, and a fair space to move around in, but no gym.  I need to cross through the kitchen to get from one end of my home to the other.  My workspace is in my living room which is also where I would be working out, and where I unwind in the evenings, so I need to set some very clear parameters around how I schedule my days, and how I use the space I am in.  This means new rules, which will help me build new routine, which will help me build new habits.

So, after a lot of chatter about what was, and what is, and what could be...I have come up with the following plan for myself.

For the remainder of September, I am essentially planning and working on solidifying these new rules and routines, since (I forgot to mention) I am recovering from dislocating my left ankle this past weekend.  That means that I am resting this leg a bunch; as little walking as possible, I wear a robo boot, no unessential weight bearing.  So working out is mostly going to be rehabilitative, once I can use my foot.  In the meantime, I can do seated upper body stuff...abs...glute things on the floor that don't involve standing.

The universe has a sense of humour about showing us when we need a different perspective on things.

Rules

1) On work from home days, work is only done at my desk, and only during work hours.  

2) I can have as much coffee and water from the kitchen as I like in the morning.  After 12 noon, I can make and eat lunch, in the kitchen.  Not at my desk, or on the couch.

3) I can have one snack in the kitchen, before I leave to pick kiddo up from school.

4) When my work day is over, I clear my desk of anything work related.  Paperwork is put away, my laptop is closed and set aside.  I have my journal on my desk.  I tuck my chair in, and I'm not to sit there outside of work hours.

5) On days I choose to work out, I will create a new "ritual" to get into the right mindset.  This will look like: get dressed for a workout --> put on shoes --> get water bottle --> get bands out of the box and prepare them so that they're easy to use during my workout.  Once I start, I have 30 minutes to get my shit done.

6) After my workout, I can put my equipment away, and then it's time to relax, make dinner, and enjoy the evening.

The detail about my kitchen being the central room in our home means that I remind myself not to eat something every time I step in there.  It is simply a room I pass through on my way to the bathroom, or the front door.  

As an added benefit, keto reduces my appetite, making it much easier to control.  It also helps with hormonal regulation, so I don't have wild cravings.  I'm looking forward to that...once I get over the keto flu.  Or, is it "Keto Covid", to keep in the spirit of things?  I joke.  It's the flu.  I'm really looking forward to next week, when the brain fog lifts, and I have clarity of mind, again.

So with my tangible world strategized, I also need to address my inner dialogue.  Seeing as self image is 100% mental, I need to work on reprogramming my self talk.  I am told by a wise person, that this is done effectively through daily affirmation.  I talk to myself all the time, so this should be fun!

I'll start with this:

Right now, in this moment; I have a difficult time thinking of something.  Incubating and "making' my child, having a body that offers my husband pleasure; both visually and physically...these are positive.  

They're also external...which means that I need to find something about my body that I appreciate, for myself.  For my own worth.  Interestingly enough, this might be the hardest of the new habits to learn.

Hail yourselves!

S