Bust the Deal, Face the Wheel

Hey hey!

It's been a minute, and I thank you all for sticking around.  Full disclosure, this post took three days to write and post, because I keep getting happily distracted.

Day 1 of post writing:

I've been keeping busy, accumulating press on nails and cursing my brain for being so contrarian.  You see, I tell it that we are working to lose the weight we've gained during the Quarentimes...and she says, "are you backwards?  Hell nah!  No weight loss!  EAT MORE!"

I'm still with Noom - still tracking errrrthang, still leaning into the annoyances, learning through it.

I also turned 39 this past weekend.  

Awkward plant mom in a natural habitat

Now, I'm not saying I had some sort of amazing epiphany - that's far too cliche.  However, I am telling myself that it's time to maybe put away so much of the self dislike that has gotten me to this point.  I mean, I could be in far worse shape, but what if I just took the chance on liking myself a little?  39 years is a long time to tell yourself that you're "not enough/worthy/valuable".  Who knows?  Plants thrive when you speak lovingly to them and play music for them.  Maybe I should treat myself like I treat my green babies.

A cluster of my botanical offspring

I woke up this morning feeling mentally and emotionally lighter than I have in weeks.  Upon realizing this, I took some time to evaluate why this might be.  

• I'm on a week off from work; I've filled that week with lovely fun things.  It will be over quickly, but knowing that I'm not checking emails and am on call for work related issues really makes me feel more relaxed.  Good; that's a start.
• I went for a 4 km powerwalk last night - after a couple of days without intentional physical activity.
• I tidied up the house yesterday afternoon; vacuumed, did laundry, cleared clutter.

It's not astrophysics at work, here.  It's no surprise that being active and productive help me feel better (duh).

It's no surprise that I feel better removing the stress of a workday (double duh).

What has me thinking, is how I can maintain this feeling of wellness next week, when I'm back to the normal grind?

I'm taking this opportunity to get some thoughts down in print, and to create a foundational strategy for "re-branding" how I identify wellness and fitness, living out the last year of my "dirty thirties".

Day two of posting:

Today, I've been nice to myself.  My only falter, really, was in feeling a little sad that my tummy has lost any whispering hope of definition that it once held.  That's okay - I've only done any kind of ab work thrice in 4 months.  I mostly felt productive and validated.  

I was a day behind in my Noom lessons, so I took some time to get caught up on those.  It's a bit of a blessing in disguise that I did both days' worth in one sitting; I was introduced to the 4 pillars of weight loss, and I started to get some motivation to move.  The body weight workout suggested is quick and totally accessible, so I will start that tomorrow.  It's such a strange thing; reconciling part of your identity.  

I was a gym brat for over 7 years.  Now, it appears as though that chapter is written; at least for now.  I have this opportunity to re-evaluate what being "fit" looks and feels like.  

In the beforetimes, "fitness" was all about the gym and fighting with myself to eat the "right things".  Was I doing enough cardio? Was I lifting with enough intensity?  

I do miss the beforetimes

I've spent 4 months berating myself for eating the "bad things" (and too much of them), not doing enough cardio (or much of any), and certainly not lifting more than my pained existence from the bed to my couch office.

Why, though?  Why am I beating myself up for not meeting expectations that I feasibly cannot attain?  If I can't go to the gym (because I don't care what anyone says, I don't feel safe with it), and I powerwalk on average, 5-6 km, 5 days a week (plenty of cardio).

My problem is not that I'm not doing the thing - my problem is that I'm holding myself to the wrong thing.

I'm no longer the powerlifter/fitstagram wannabe that lived in the beforetimes.

Gloriously fluffy

No.  The quarentimes version of my fitness has to be a more holistic, pared down, functional incarnation of what I knew before.

Powerwalks and bodyweight workouts.  Ongoing maintenance and rehab for my bum knee.  Nutrition?  I rely heavily on Jordan Syatt's YouTube channel for guidance on that.  As much as I respect the education and psychological reframing that Noom provides, 1200 calories just does not cut it.  So I'm allotted 1700 calories/day; based on Jordan's no-bullshit, super easy calorie formula for fat loss.  Am I freaking out about muscle?  Not really.  Do I want to maintain what I have?  I know I'm losing some of it, but as long as I can go about my day to day with the strength I need, I'm not overly concerned with putting on more muscle mass.  If and when I am back in the gym once we reach Thunderdome, I'll worry about putting on enough muscle to face the wheel.

Aunty Entity does not mess around.

In the meantime, I'll just keep working on getting down to beforetimes weight; that's a good start for me.  I won't have the same composition, but maybe I won't be too far off.  After all, fat loss is mostly nutrition, and Tina Turner looks solid, but she's not muscle bound.  Heck, do I ever want to wear that chain mail dress.

Tl;dr, I am being kinder to myself by encouraging a new perspective on what my "fitness identity" is.  To be honest, I'm sure that giving myself a break is going to feel pretty good.  My aim is to hit my daily calories, make sure to powerwalk 5x/week, and to do a quick body weight workout 3x/week.  

The shift is in the fact that I'm not looking at this as my "carryover plan" for fitness.  This is my "new normal" regular day to day plan for fitness.  It's no longer about "when I get back to the gym", but about making the best of the fact that this is life, now.  This is what I will do to be healthy, from now on.

Also something to look forward to; I'm going to get back into practicing craft - hard and heavy.  Get ready to meet Beelzebub.  As it is said, "Behold, the Lord of Flies"

Papa Emeritus II owns us all

And damn it, I'm going to love myself through it.

Hail yourselves!

S