"I Can't Go Out Tonight, I'm Washing My Hair."
Because my new job kicks so much ass, I can barely contain it. ✨
But I just read a Facebook post that hit really close to home; a post about mental illness and showering.
And it was so relatable, because the first thing that slips when my depression is creeping, is showering; more specifically, washing my hair.
Washing, combing, brushing...after all, it's so easy to toss it in a ponytail or a bun, and use my energy for more productive things - getting my kiddo to school, doing my best at work, and being present for my family in the evenings.
I love doing these things, and at the end of the day, I don't care if my hair is shower fresh or not. I've utilized my faculties to keep my world in order. Showering is an afterthought.
I keep generally clean - nothing gets fungal - but if it wasn't for Daddy telling me to jump in the shower while he prepares breakfast, I could easily go a week without bothering. 😬🤭
I've been keeping the cloud at bay for months, now. I don't feel depressed, I'm not in a low period. This is fantastic, and I'm confident that it will stay this way. 💪🏻
But I'm always aware that it's "around". I feel it's just out of my periforal vision; I glimpse it, but it's never fully in my sight.
Like a ghost or a trick of light.
That's how it works; you live with mental illness, and you manage it so that it stays in check.
If I stopped working to keep it just out of reach, though, it would slip itself around me like a dark heavy blanket. The same way children wrap themselves in comforters and duvets like a giant burrito and lay still in a snug hug. 🐍
Because that's what it feels like. It's a strange phenomenon. It's a terrible comfort - familiarity, I would suppose - but it feels terrible.
The irony is far from lost on me.
So, I redirect, reframe.
Meditate. Cast spells. Set intentions. Work out as hard as I can. Read cards. Give my son and husband kisses and hugs and all my love. Fill my waking moments with the big slices of life cake that I am grateful for. ❤️
These things keep me here.
But my hair...
It's so easy to keep wrapped up in a bun.
I can stretch it out one more day.
It doesn't look that greasy...
My mom used to ask us to "sniff check" her hair, to make sure that it didn't smell like unwashed scalp.
It makes me laugh to think about it. She's a little more compulsive about clean hair than I am, I guess. ☺️
I think I should have a shower tomorrow morning...and wash my hair. It's been a couple of days, already.
After all, it's Hallowe'en, and that's a special high holiday for us heathens. 😈
I'm sure my ancestors will come through the veil and beat me into bathing. 👻☠️🔱
I'll update you all with whatever messages they give me, tomorrow night.
Hail yourselves!
S
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